I once worked with a family in Brooklyn where two siblings could not agree on who should deliver their father’s eulogy. One wanted a polished, public-speaking cousin; the other insisted on a lifelong—but shy—best friend. The dispute was not about the speech. It was about who had the right to define their father’s legacy.
In our practice, we see the most intense family disagreements happen not over money, but over memory. The question of who will stand before family and friends to summarize a life is deeply personal. It is an act of stewardship. And like any aspect of a legacy, it requires intentional, deliberate thought before the need arises.
The Roles of Officiant, Celebrant, and Eulogist
Clarity begins with understanding that several people may speak at a funeral, each with a distinct role. The titles are often used interchangeably, but they serve different functions.
The officiant is typically a member of the clergy—a priest, rabbi, or imam—who guides the service according to religious tradition. Their role is to provide spiritual context, lead prayers, and situate a life within a framework of faith. Their words are often formal, structured, and meant to comfort the community.
A celebrant is a non-religious counterpart to an officiant. They are trained professionals who work with the family to design and lead a personalized memorial service that reflects the deceased’s life, values, and personality, without a religious component.
The eulogist is different. This is the person—often a family member, close friend, or colleague—who delivers the eulogy. The eulogy is the personal story. It is the speech that shares anecdotes, captures the essence of character, and speaks to a person’s unique impact. While an officiant speaks for a tradition, the eulogist speaks from personal experience.
A service might have all three, or one person may fill multiple roles. Understand what you are asking of someone. Are you asking them to run the service, or simply to share a memory?
The Moral Duty of the Eulogist
As an attorney, I deal with legally defined duties every day. A trustee has a fiduciary duty to act in the best interests of a trust’s beneficiaries—one of the highest standards of care in our legal system. There is no legally defined “fiduciary duty of a eulogist.” But I believe there should be a moral one.
The person who accepts this role becomes a custodian of memory. They are entrusted with the final, public summation of a person’s life. This requires a profound sense of responsibility—to be honest but kind, to be thorough without being tedious, and to speak for everyone in the room who is grieving.
The best eulogist is not always the most eloquent speaker. It is the person who understands this duty. It is the person who can set their own grief aside for a few minutes to serve the memory of the one they lost and to offer comfort to those left behind. They hold a person’s story in trust, and their duty is to deliver it with integrity.
How to Make Your Wishes Known
The best way to prevent a conflict like the one that Brooklyn family faced is to make your own wishes clear. This is a part of estate planning we often overlook. We focus on the distribution of assets and forget to plan for the stewardship of memories.
Your last will and testament is not the right place for these instructions. A will is a formal legal document. In New York, Estates, Powers and Trusts Law (EPTL) § 3-2.1 dictates exactly how a will must be signed and witnessed to be valid. Including funeral preferences is impractical, as the will is often not read until after the service is over.
A better tool is a separate document, often called a “letter of instruction.” This is a non-binding letter to your executor and family that outlines your wishes for your final arrangements. Here you can specify:
- Whether you prefer burial or cremation.
- Where you would like your final resting place to be.
- Details about the service—music, readings, or atmosphere.
- And, critically, who you would like to speak.
By naming a eulogist—and perhaps a backup—you give your family two gifts: clarity and permission. You remove the burden of choice from them at a difficult time. You empower the person you have chosen to speak with confidence, knowing they are fulfilling your express wish.
This document is not a contract, but a guide. It is an act of care for your family, allowing them to focus on grieving rather than arguing. It ensures the person who tells your story is the one you would have chosen yourself.
If you are beginning to think about your legacy, starting with these personal wishes is a powerful first step. Consider drafting a letter of instruction that outlines your preferences. We can then discuss how this personal document complements the formal legal structure of your will or trust.
