A client recently sat in my Manhattan office, wrestling with a decision that many families face. He needed to appoint a trustee for the trust that would one day provide for his grandchildren. His choice was between his two adult children. One is a pragmatic, numbers-oriented accountant—but they have a strained relationship. The other is a charismatic favorite, the life of every family party—but someone who has never balanced a checkbook.
Whom do you choose? The person you love, or the person who is capable? This is not merely a question of feelings. It is a question of stewardship. When you name a trustee, an executor, or a guardian, you are entrusting them with your legacy. The “trust” in a living trust is not just an emotion; it is a profound legal and ethical duty.
Over the years, I’ve found that clients often have a good intuitive sense of character but lack a framework to evaluate it. A concept from outside the legal world offers a useful framework. The researcher Brené Brown developed an acronym, BRAVING, to describe the components of trust. While designed for relationships, its principles apply with remarkable precision to the selection of a fiduciary.
BRAVING: A Framework for Vetting Your Fiduciary
Choosing a fiduciary—the person or institution you appoint to manage your assets—is one of the most consequential decisions in estate planning. Their actions will directly impact your family’s future. The BRAVING acronym moves the decision from a gut feeling to a deliberate, intentional choice.
- Boundaries. Can your proposed trustee say “no”? Imagine a beneficiary—perhaps a grandchild they adore—asks for a significant advance on their inheritance for a speculative business venture. A good trustee must deny the request if it violates the terms of the trust you created, even if it causes personal friction. They must respect the boundaries you set in the trust document and maintain their own professional boundaries with beneficiaries.
- Reliability. Is this person reliable in their own life? Do they do what they say they will do, consistently? A trustee’s role is filled with deadlines for taxes, accounting, and distributions. It requires meticulous record-keeping and follow-through. A history of personal unreliability is a significant warning sign.
- Accountability. When this person makes a mistake, do they own it, apologize, and make amends? A trustee is accountable to the beneficiaries and, if necessary, to the New York Surrogate’s Court. They cannot hide errors. If they make a poor investment decision or a clerical error, they must have the integrity to acknowledge it and take corrective action.
- Vault. The role of a fiduciary is a vault of confidential information. Your trustee will know the full extent of your assets, the details of your family dynamics, and the specific provisions you’ve made for each beneficiary. Can this person maintain absolute discretion? Gossiping about the details of the estate at a family dinner would be a catastrophic breach of this duty.
- Integrity. This is about choosing courage over comfort. Will your candidate make the right decision, even when it is the hard one? Integrity means not favoring one beneficiary over another, not commingling trust assets with their own, and always acting in the best interest of the trust—never their own.
- Non-Judgment. A trustee must administer your trust according to your wishes, not their own personal opinions. If you’ve stipulated that a beneficiary only receives funds upon reaching a certain age, the trustee cannot withhold funds because they disapprove of the beneficiary’s lifestyle. Their personal judgment is irrelevant; their duty is to your stated intent.
- Generosity. A generous interpretation of others’ intentions is key. In a trust context, this means the trustee should assume you, the grantor, had valid reasons for every provision. They should not try to outsmart the plan or substitute their own ideas for yours. They are there to execute your plan with a generous and faithful spirit.
When Love Isn’t Enough: The Prudent Investor Act
The most common mistake I see is appointing a fiduciary based on emotion alone. Naming your eldest child or a lifelong best friend can feel like an act of love and honor. If they are not equipped for the job, it can become a burden that destroys relationships and wastes assets.
The law holds fiduciaries to a high standard. In New York, a trustee’s investment decisions are governed by the Prudent Investor Act, codified in EPTL § 11-2.3. This statute requires a trustee to “exercise reasonable care, skill and caution to make and implement investment and management decisions as a prudent investor would.” It is not an amateur’s game. A trustee has a legal duty to manage assets with sophistication, diversifying investments and balancing risk against return. Failure to meet this standard can result in being held personally liable for losses.
You must separate the person from the role. You may trust someone with your life, but that does not mean you should trust them with your life’s savings. The skills required—financial acumen, impartiality, organization, and emotional fortitude—are not universal.
Making an Intentional Choice
Sometimes, the best choice is not a family member but a corporate trustee or a private professional fiduciary. They bring impartiality and expertise to the role, ensuring the terms of your trust are followed without the emotional baggage that can complicate family dynamics.
Your estate plan is the final expression of your life’s work and your care for your family. The person you choose to execute that plan is the custodian of that legacy. It is a decision that warrants deep and dispassionate consideration.
A productive next step is to draft a “fiduciary job description” for your own estate plan. Outline the specific skills and character traits your executor or trustee will need. If you would like to discuss that description and weigh the candidates you have in mind, we can schedule a private consultation to analyze your options.
