You’re sitting in the front pew of a funeral home in Brooklyn when the decedent’s eldest child leans over and whispers, “Will you say a few words?” In that moment, the entire weight of a person’s life—their stories, their impact, their character—falls on your shoulders. It’s an honor, but it is also a profound responsibility. This request isn’t about public speaking. It’s about stewardship.
In my work, I help families structure the legal stewardship of an estate through trusts, wills, and beneficiary designations. But my experience shows that the stewardship of a person’s memory begins long before the will is read. It begins with the eulogy. This is the first, and often most public, act of defining how a person will be remembered. It sets the tone for everything that follows, from family gatherings to the formal administration of their estate.
Memory vs. Mandate
When we represent an estate, one of our first tasks is to file the will for probate in the New York Surrogate’s Court. This process, governed by the Surrogate’s Court Procedure Act, is clinical and precise. Under SCPA Article 14, the court’s job is to determine the genuineness of the will and the validity of its execution. Was it signed correctly? Were there two witnesses? Does it reflect the clear, final intentions of the person who has passed? The will is a legal mandate—a set of instructions to be carried out.
A eulogy is entirely different. It is not about legal mandates; it is about collective memory. While the will directs who gets the house and the investment accounts, the eulogy reminds everyone why that person worked so hard to acquire them in the first place. It speaks to their spirit, their values, and their relationships. The court examines the four corners of a document for legal sufficiency; a eulogy invites mourners to remember the life lived beyond those pages.
I have seen families where a beautifully drafted estate plan was accompanied by a eulogy that captured the decedent’s essence perfectly, creating a sense of continuity and purpose. I have also seen the opposite—where a loving tribute at the funeral was followed by the discovery of a poorly planned estate, creating a painful disconnect between the person they remembered and the chaos they left behind.
The Fiduciary Duty of the Speaker
In law, a person named as an executor or trustee has a fiduciary duty. This means they must act with the utmost good faith and in the best interests of the estate and its beneficiaries. They must put personal feelings aside and execute the decedent’s wishes impartially. The person chosen to deliver a eulogy has a similar, if informal, duty.
When you stand to speak, you are not just sharing your own memories. You are, in a sense, acting as a custodian for the memories of everyone in the room. This is not the time to settle old scores, reveal shocking secrets, or focus exclusively on your own grief. It is a moment to find the common threads that connected the deceased to their community—their spouse, their children, their colleagues, and their friends. The goal is to articulate a truth about the person that everyone present can recognize.
A prudent eulogy, like a prudent investment strategy, is balanced. It can be honest about a person’s quirks and imperfections—that’s what makes a tribute feel real—but its primary purpose is to affirm the value of their life. It’s a deliberate act of generosity to the other mourners, offering them a version of their loved one they can hold onto. This act of unity can be especially important for families who will soon have to work together to settle an estate.
What Words Cannot Fix
A moving eulogy is a powerful gift to a grieving family. But we must be clear about what it cannot do. A eulogy cannot create a valid will where one does not exist. It cannot pay federal or New York estate taxes. It cannot resolve a dispute between beneficiaries or prevent a will contest from an estranged relative.
The most thoughtful words in the world will not protect a family’s assets from the probate process if no trust was ever established. The most heartfelt tribute will not substitute for a properly executed healthcare proxy or power of attorney during a period of incapacity. The emotional and spiritual closure of a funeral service is vital, but it must be supported by the intentional, deliberate legal planning that precedes it.
The greatest legacy is one where the personal memories shared at a funeral are reinforced by a well-executed plan. The ultimate act of care is ensuring that the family’s final memories are not of a courtroom or a contentious family meeting, but of a life well-lived and a transition handled with grace.
As you plan for the future, think beyond the distribution of your assets. Consider the story you want told. While not a legally binding document, a “letter of instruction” or “ethical will” can be a powerful tool to accompany your formal estate plan. In it, you can share your values, hopes for your family, and even your wishes for your own memorial—including who you’d want to speak. If you would like to discuss how such a document can be integrated with your will and trust, our firm can outline the approach we take with our clients.
