After finalizing a complex generational trust for a client, he leaned back in his chair in our Manhattan office and asked a question I don’t often hear. “Russel,” he said, “we’ve planned for every asset, every contingency. But what about the one thing everyone in my life will actually read first?”
He meant his obituary. The one page of newsprint or a website that will, for many, be the definitive summary of his life. While we had spent months structuring his will, trusts, and healthcare directives to be legally ironclad, he realized that the narrative of his legacy was being left entirely to chance—and to grieving family members.
Most people don’t think of their own obituary as an estate planning document. Legally, it isn’t. But in practice, it’s one of the most powerful parts of your legacy. It’s a final act of stewardship, an opportunity to frame your life in your own words and spare your loved ones a difficult task during an emotional time. Planning it is a deliberate and intentional act.
The Difference Between Personal Wishes and Legal Directives
An obituary carries emotional weight, not legal weight. It cannot be used to transfer property, name a guardian for your children, or appoint an executor. Those actions must be performed through a validly executed will that complies with New York law.
For a will to be recognized by the Surrogate’s Court, it must adhere to strict formalities. New York’s Estates, Powers and Trusts Law (EPTL) § 3-2.1, for instance, requires that the will be in writing, signed at the end by the testator, and witnessed by at least two individuals who also sign their names. An obituary, no matter how beautifully written or clear in its intent, meets none of these requirements. It is a story, not a directive.
Where I see issues arise is when the story told in the obituary conflicts with the legal reality of the estate plan. If your self-penned obituary speaks glowingly of a “favorite nephew” to whom you’ve left nothing in your will, you are creating a recipe for confusion and resentment. The nephew has no legal claim, but the emotional fallout for your family can be significant. The goal is to have your personal sentiments and your legal documents work in concert, not at cross-purposes.
A Tool for Legacy, Not for Settling Scores
A trend has emerged of writing humorous or “tell-all” obituaries. While a bit of wit that reflects your personality can be a wonderful gift to your family, using this final message to air grievances is a mistake. It serves only to inflict pain at a time of grief and can create rifts that last for generations. The Surrogate’s Court already sees enough family conflict; there is no need to light a final fuse from beyond the grave.
A thoughtfully written obituary accomplishes three things:
- It relieves your family of a burden. Writing about a loved one in the immediate aftermath of their passing is agonizing. Providing a draft—or even just a collection of key facts, names, and milestones—is an immense kindness.
- It ensures accuracy. Family members may not remember key dates, job titles, or the correct spelling of names. Writing it yourself guarantees the details are correct.
- It captures your voice. No one else can tell your story with your unique perspective and tone. This is your chance to share what mattered most to you, what you were proud of, and what you want to be remembered for.
This is not about vanity. It is about control over your own narrative and consideration for those you leave behind. Stewardship.
How to Incorporate Your Obituary Into Your Plan
Once you’ve written your obituary, what should you do with it? It should be stored with your other critical estate planning documents—your will, trust, healthcare proxy, and power of attorney. Give a copy to your named executor and let them know where the original is located. It should be easily accessible, not locked away in a safe deposit box that can only be opened by court order after your death.
Think of it as a companion to your other final instructions. In New York, for example, you can sign a separate document appointing an agent to control the disposition of your remains. This document, like an obituary, expresses a personal wish but is not part of the will itself. Your obituary serves a similar function for your life’s story.
The best obituaries are authentic. If you were a private person, a quiet and reflective notice is appropriate. If you were known for your sense of humor, a lighthearted tone can bring comfort and smiles. The goal is to leave your family with a final, fond memory that feels true to the person they knew and loved.
My firm’s work is to ensure your assets are protected and your legal wishes are honored. But we also believe a core part of our role is to help you build a durable legacy. That legacy is more than just financial; it’s the story that will be told for generations to come. Your obituary is the first telling of that story.
If you have prepared an estate plan, consider this final piece of the puzzle. When you next review your will or trust, bring the discussion of your final arrangements—including your obituary—into the conversation.
